My 10 brilliant ideas to save the Tories

If the Conservative Party wants people to sit up and notice it again, it needs to tackle the issues in life that really matter

This week, the Tory leadership candidates have been launching their campaigns. Unfortunately, however, they’ve got a problem. Which is that, right now, ordinary voters have got absolutely zero interest in a single word that any of them has to say.
And frankly, who can blame them? After all, every time a Tory leadership candidate promises to slash immigration, or boost spending on defence, or end wokery in schools and the Civil Service, voters are bound to roll their eyes and snort: “Oh, give it a rest. You had 14 years in government to do all this stuff – and yet you totally failed to deliver. So why on earth should we believe you now?”
Clearly, therefore, there’s only one way for the Tories to grab voters’ attention. And that’s to stop droning on about the same old tired, boring issues – and instead come up with bold, radical, far-reaching new policies that show they’re in touch with the real problems in ordinary people’s lives.
The trouble is: so far, none of the leadership candidates appears to have had any ideas of this kind. Happily, though, I’m here to help them out. 
I hereby present 10 exciting, transformative and groundbreaking new policies to capture the public’s imagination, and make the Tories electable once again…
1. Bring back proper bath plugs on little chains, instead of these annoying newfangled push-down ones which you can accidentally hit with your heel, causing the stupid thing to pop up and let your water out. 
2. Guarantee that anyone on public transport playing music without headphones will be immediately deported to Mars.
3. Ban supermarkets from pointlessly, and without warning, moving all their stock to different aisles, so that you’ve got no idea where the eggs have gone.
4. Launch a full independent public inquiry to find out why the mirrors in clothes shop changing rooms always make you look fatter and uglier than your own mirrors at home.
5. Make it a criminal offence for famous actors to express an opinion on any subject other than acting.
6. For the sake of long-suffering parents, pour as much money as it takes into the development of a Slinky that never gets tangled.
7. Prohibit BBC weather presenters from issuing public “health warnings” every time the sun briefly emerges from behind the clouds.
8. Give the UK’s top scientists the task of inventing a fitted sheet that doesn’t keep pinging off the corner of your mattress in the middle of the night.
9. Force the closure of any trendy restaurant that writes its prices as, for example, “18.5” instead of £18.50. 
10. Reintroduce capital punishment for any civil servant, businessman or politician who uses the word “learnings”.
On behalf of the British public, I guarantee the Tories this: the candidate who can deliver on the above pledges will win by a landslide.